The asshole gets such a bad rap. Among all the most unconventional forms of sexual pleasure, anal play may be the most maligned, in spite – or maybe because – of its also being exquisitely pleasurable.
“A portal to God,” the author Ani Ferlise calls the anus in her memoir “Messy Bitch Magic,” and we couldn’t agree more. Stimulating your perineal nerve endings – those in the skin around your asshole – can produce an orgasm the likes of which you’ve never experienced. And going deeper, especially for men, can produce mind-and-body-blowing effects.
But anal play can also be, as the book title suggests, a bit messy. Shitty, in fact. But fecal matter isn’t a given; nor are pain, medical issues, or discomfiting revelations about your sexuality, to name a few bugaboos (butt-a-boos, wink, wink) associated with the vastly underrated asshole.
Let’s explore these myths, and why they’re (mostly) wrong.
Myth 1: If I enjoy anal, I must be gay.
Do you grocery shop? Do you shower? Gay men do these things. If you do them, too, does that mean you’re gay? Of course not. And guess what? Not all gay men engage in anal sex. This idea that anal play equals homosexuality is a very small minded way of thinking that not only limits your own experiences but immediately places shame on anything outside of a heteronormative experience.
Wanting to fuck or be fucked in the ass, or enjoying the pleasure of anal stimulation, isn’t the definition of “homosexual” or “bisexual.” You’re gay or bi if you think you are, period. No one but you gets to decide, and toys do not define your sexuality.
One of my clients asked his wife to “peg” him – to wear a strapped-on dildo and fuck him in the ass. She promptly branded him as “gay.” This was hurtful to him because it’s no fun to be judged by someone we love (or by anyone!) and also because it wasn’t true. He simply wanted to explore a new type of pleasure with his partner because he felt safe enough with her to consider exploring prostate pleasure, something that has been proven to be pleasurable regardless of your sexuality.
And if he wanted to fantasize that a man was fucking him? That also wouldn’t make him gay, either. For example, plenty of women have aggression fantasies, but few, if any, would wish to be sexually assaulted. You can be attracted or turned on by a fantasy or an idea without it determining your sexuality, because again you get to decide who you are attracted to and in what way you are attracted to them.
By the way: If you are gay or bisexual, that’s wonderful, we are both queer ourselves! We support all sexual orientations and preferences as long as they are consensual, and we think society should do the same. But want to simply make it clear that enjoying anal pleasure does not make you gay.
Myth 2: Anyone – or no one – can enjoy anal intercourse.
Butt-fucking takes time to master, for most. That’s because we have two sphincter muscles: an external muscle, which we control, and an inner sphincter, which we can’t. The inner muscle works like our heart, intestinal, and other internal organ muscles, functioning of its own volition to get the job done: in this case, eliminating the contents of our bowels.
With practice, patience, and the aid of sex toys, most of us can learn to relax our exterior sphincters to accommodate and enjoy fingers, toys, and even penises. Relaxing the outer sphincter can result in the inner muscle’s opening up, too. But that doesn’t seem to happen for everyone.
We’ve seen clients who absolutely could not experience pain-free anal sex, in spite of copious lube and lots of preparation. Whether the block is mental or physical, their inner sphincter simply will not relax. Everyone is different.
Some people have medical conditions, like Crohn’s Disease or even just hemorrhoids that make anal penetration unpleasant. Some people have a scarcity of nerve endings in their anal area and so feel meh about anal play.
If you don’t have a medical or obvious physical issue, the only way to know if you can open up and enjoy anal sex is to try it – verrrry slowly. And if you’re the giver, I always reccomend empathizing with your bottom and penetrating yourself, or allowing your partner to do so if they are interested. One of the best ways to give is to understand receiving. There are a lot of sensations (good and bad) and housekeeping items when it comes to anal play and you can empathize a lot better if you yourself know what to expect.
For specific instructions on how to get started, stay tuned: our next post will discuss this topic in more depth. You can also watch our own anal play here.
Myth 3: Women do not enjoy anal sex, ever.
I, Skye, am a woman, and I love anal sex. It gives me some of the most intense orgasms, and I am here to advocate for everyone to explore it! I come the hardest with something in my ass and for me, the anus really is the portal to God(dess).
And when Sunny puts his penis in me there? I feel completely safe. My protective walls just tumble down, and I have deep, profound, earth-quaking orgasms. This is such a vulnerable space to explore and having a partner who is patient enough to learn that space can feel so liberating.
I’m not the only one, believe me. I know plenty of women who also love, love, love anal.
Of course, there are also plenty of women who don’t. Sometimes, as noted above, they may not have as many nerve endings in the anal area as in other genitalia, may suffer from hemorrhoids, or they may have a lot of shame or anxiety around that area of their body. Every woman is built differently, as Naomi Wolf notes in her book “Vagina," and all of those bodies are perfect.
Often, too, women are conditioned by society to think anal play is bad or dirty, and that if they enjoy it, they’re bad and dirty, too.
Many times, though, women only think they don’t enjoy anal sex – because they’ve never had a proper experience of it. Perhaps their sex partner didn’t use fingers, anal plugs or other toys to open them up before plunging in. Maybe they didn’t use enough lube, or any at all. These experiences can be incredibly painful and lead to fear about ever exploring it again. Ouch!
Even those who never quite warm up to having something as large as a penis inserted in their ass might enjoy a toy in their butt, or just a finger or thumb. Try it! And – don’t forget the lube. Unlike our vaginas, our asses don’t naturally lubricate.
Myth 4: Anal sex is dangerous.
Question: Which kinds of sex come with a risk-free guarantee?
Answer: None of them.
While it’s true that, without certain precautions, anal sex can cause problems. But if your partner is going slowly to help you relax (and to turn you on), using a condom, and engaging in proper hygiene; if you’re listening to your body and stopping or slowing down in case of discomfort, and if you are both communicating throughout, your risk of adverse reactions will greatly diminish.
Hygiene is huge. Keep it clean, from before the beginning until after the end. Make sure to wash your asshole thoroughly with soap and water beforehand. You may want to douche with warm water and lube an hour in advance of anal play: the hour gives your intestine time to absorb the water so your partner doesn’t encounter a sloshy, mushy colon. (For step-by-step instructions, read our post here.)
Whether you douche or not, bacteria is a real concern. Urinary tract infections are painful and can even be dangerous for both women and men. If you choose not to use a condom during penetration, make sure to pee and wash your penis thoroughly afterward. If you do use a condom, strip it off and maybe follow with an anti-bacterial wipe before your partner gives you head or before going anywhere near their vagina.
Sometimes in porn you’ll see a guy moving his penis from anus to vagina and back again without cleaning. We highly reccomend you resist the urge to try this! Separating vaginal sex from anal with thorough cleansing is a cardinal rule of anal play; not doing so is incredibly hazardous to a woman’s health and can lead to BV, a chronic UTI, and even spetic kidney's.
Sunny and I also keep our toys separate, back door versus front, and ne’er the twain shall meet – we never mix them.
Using latex gloves is another anal-play hack that’s useful. Wearing them while fingering your partner’s asshole – with lots of lube! – can protect the delicate interior skin from your fingernails as well as protect your hands from bacteria. When you’re ready to touch your partner somewhere else, simply strip off the gloves: no running to the nearest faucet to wash your hands, which can really deflate the energy you’ve built together.
When you’re conscientious about hygiene, taking it slow with your partner to really warm them up, communicating often, and using common sense, you’re unlikely to suffer problems because of anal play. In our opinion, the minimal risk is so worth the maximal payoff!
Myth 5: Anal sex is unnatural and sinful
Bonobos do it. So do bull elephants. So do giraffes, mallard ducks, male lions, pigeons – some 1,500 species, as a quick Google search shows. So, no, in fact, anal sex is not unnatural. Quite the opposite, we’d say.
As for whether it’s sinful, that’s for you to decide. But if your mind is running rampant with Sodom-and-Gomorrah warnings, we’d like to steer you to this academic paper stating that, in fact, the Old Testament never specifically explains what the people in these cities did to deserve their fire-and-brimstone destruction other than serve as poor hosts to Lot and his family. The idea that their sin was “sodomy,” a word that came after the Biblical tale to refer to anal sex, seems to be mere extrapolation or perhaps even wishful thinking by St. Augustine and others.
Myth 6: You need a partner for anal play
If your fingers can reach your ass, you can pleasure yourself. Trim your nails, grab your lube, and finger away!
If your fingers can’t quite reach, or if you just want a fuller experience, you can use an anal plug or any number of sex toys. But be careful not to use anything without a flared base, large ring, or other mechanism to keep the toy from slipping all the way inside. You do not want to have to go to the ER for help retrieving a toy that you’ve “lost” in your colon! (We’ll explore toys for anal play later in this series, so again, stay tuned.) Until then you can find all of our toy recommendations here.
As for solo positions, anything goes if you’re flexible enough. We both enjoy a suction dildo in our shower or on a chair, but would love to hear what you come up with! We were impressed by a client’s video of himself on his back, legs over his head, sucking his dick and fingering his butt. People can be so creative! That’s one of the joys of being human, sex-positive, and kinky: we’re limited only by our imaginations. And we can, and do, imagine a lot!
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