Let’s face it: some conversations are easier than others. What to have for dinner or where to take the kids for vacation is going to be a breeze compared to, “Honey, would you lock my cock in a cage and take away the key?”
What if your partner laughs at you? What if they’re disgusted or turned off?
Unless you’re already in a Dominant/submissive relationship, suggesting chastity play could evoke any of these reactions. You can minimize the risk, however, with planning. preparation, and precautions. With the right approach, in fact, you may find yourself with a partner who’s not only curious about chastity, but excited to play this highly erotic game with you.
Read on for tips on talking with your partner about chastity play: how to prepare for the convo, what to say, and what to do if the answer is, “No, thanks.”
Abstinence makes the parts grow fonder
As you may realize from this post, chastity play can be a sublime experience. And it doesn’t have to cost a dime. Sure you can buy a cock or pussy cage, but you can also promise your Domm/e or yourself to abstain from all sexual pleasure for a given time.
Using a cage can be an exquisite choice, as it reminds you constantly of the fact that you’re depriving yourself. You can feel it as you move about. Every time you use the bathroom, you see it.
You can’t masturbate; you can’t touch yourself, or just barely. You cannot even get an erection without discomfort..
If you weaken and absolutely must release sexual tension — well, you’ll have to find another way, because your Domm/e or virtual keyholder has your key, and won’t relinquish it until your vow of chastity ends.
And when that day does come and your cock or pussy can be free at last? Abstinence will likely have made your parts grow fonder. You’ll be more sensitized, your cock or pussy springing to eager action.
And that first climax may send you through the roof, the sexual tension you’ve been building now exploding in a fireworks of energy and bliss. Our chastity-play clients tell us that these are the best orgasms they’ve ever experienced.
But the path to nirvana is not an easy one. You’ll have safety and health practices to follow. You may feel frustrated when you can’t touch yourself. And if you want to involve your partner in this particular kink, you’ll need to have that first conversation.
The good news is that talking with your partner about chastity play can be not only easy, but even fun and frolicky — if you do it right.
Here are tips:
Do your research. Your partner is likely to have questions. Be prepared to answer them, or know where to find reliable information if there’s something you can’t answer.
Think before you speak. Sit with the information you’ve gathered in your research, and prepare talking points before broaching the topic. Include: why you want to try chastity, how you envision that it might work, what you may be looking to get out of the experience, and what role you would like for your partner to play.
Choose the right time and place. At dinner in a restaurant is not the place for this discussion. At the end of a stressful day isn’t the right time. Provide your partner with a relaxed, private, safe — and even sexy — place and time that allows honest reactions, questions, and conversation, such as a candlelit dinner that you prepare, or in a fragrant bubble bath, or even during your next Netflix-and-chill night.
Keep it positive. Go in prepared not only with information, but with a receptive, anything-goes attitude. Smile. Ask questions and answer theirs. Most important: Listen. Really hear your partner’s responses, and invite them to share their feelings. Repeat back what you hear them say, so they know you’ve heard them. Call in your powers of empathy, and use them. This may be the first time your partner has ever even heard of chastity, let alone your want to explore it, give them time and space to process. If they need time to think about it, find an appropriate time to check back in and give them any resources they may need to help them understand more.
Take “no” for an answer. If your partner isn’t game, drop the subject. Don’t try to talk them into anything they’re not comfortable with, there is no convincing in kink. Know that you can play this game solo. You might abstain on your own, lock yourself up and put away the key, or find a virtual keyholder or dominatrix, like myself, to hold you accountable to your vow of chastity.
The Dominant-submissive dynamic
If you’re already in a Dominant-submissive relationship, you’re a lot less likely to encounter strong negative emotions from your partner when you broach the topic of chastity. You will have already discussed the power dynamics of your sexual relationship. You may be well versed in ethical practices, and understand the importance of open and honest communication.
If you’ve been the Dominant one in the relationship and now want your partner to control your orgasm, however, you may find your partner reluctant to switch roles. Take heart if this happens: again, you have options that don’t involve your partner. As the Dominate you understand how hard it can be to find and step into your power in this role, so be patient with your partner as they consider this switch dynamic for you. Give them encouragement, patience, and support as they create their confidence in the world of chastity and control.
You may want to tell them so, and clue them in on what you choose to do. They will certainly want to know if you decide to abstain from sex with them for a certain amount of time!
And if your partner says “yes”? Congratulations! Read our previous post introducing you to chastity play and how it works, and our upcoming posts on safety and health, and sexy chastity games to play. Then — have fun!
Our final word: Consider starting slowly.
If your partner gives you the green light and this is your first time trying chastity, consider starting in the slow lane rather than taking off at full speed. Give yourself and your partner the chance to try it on for a few days or a week, maybe committing to a full month later on — next Locktober, for instance. It is important that both of you educate yourselves on proper wear and cleaning guides for chastity, understanding any risks for the play, and that you take the time to properly measure yourself for a properly fitting cage.
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